It was one of those between state where I feel like someone is talking to me again. It is BK. He says to me, “Why would you believe me?”
You know..my blog may not make any sense to you because it may be something that is not connected. I just like to log my experiences just so I can go back and read them.
He says this over and over again. I tell him, “I believe you because you are my friend and I was suppose to be your girlfriend who believes you.” I don’t understand this concept. Isn’t it suppose to be this way? Am I suppose to assume and ask him that he has done wrong? I give my friendship this way. If you are my friend, I will believe what you tell me. It is pure support and also my loyalty.
Aren’t we suppose to be this way? Friendship?
BK and I must have our own versions of what friendship is.
I am beginning to understand that people are in their own paradigm and they all have their own version of a lot of things. Everyone has their own NORM.
I have to admit. I been around BK for years since 2008 and earlier this year he ended our friendship. I admit that I did not look at him as a lifetime partner. I could feel the values were different and even the affections were very off. I just never knew what it was that kept nagging me in the back of my head that he is not the one. I had issues with confrontational. This year my life has shifted and I am trying my best not to be straightforward even though the truth hurts. It ends the series of events that would remind me that I will have no choice but to reveal the truth.
Even though what he said to me about the “REVEALING” issues, it doesnt cover up the fact that the emotions were there and the thought process was there.
The truth is that I kept thinking about MdF. I was with CMS and we were even more closer than I was with BK. Whenever I was with BK, it felt like something was a little off. A saw that there was something frozen within him. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Even with our conversations face to face, it always felt a little off.
I remember seeing him driving up at the AKEBONO restaurant and the car was BLASTED with loud music. Right away I knew this was a little off. Why? Because he is in his late 30s and the car is blasting. Also eating here for dinner, I was not asked what I want to eat. Instead he bought what I should eat.
I know I sound a little silly talking about this. It’s just validating to myself that I was looking for something. I just didnt know yet.
I was with CMS and he loved me like crazy. When I havent spoken to BK while he was in that place….I moved on and went with CMS. We became a couple. Even though it was short lived, we exchanged the energy of love. It felt really much what a real relationship is suppose to be. CMS was also a good looking man and nicely built. I needed to write this so that BK doesnt think that he was a scrawny, ugly asian man. He wasnt…he was actually good looking and very charismatic and lovable. Even though it was a short lived relationship, I appreciate his honesty for just being himself. If it wasnt going to work, it was not going to work. We laughed and I felt cherished no matter what.
For BK…it was odd. Very odd. I felt like I was a kid again but in a strange kind of way. I was also told what to do. What the heck is that? He wanted a girlfriend who was passive and submissive. I can be this way but I like to be treated equal. Because I do have strong ideas and also I know what I want. At the same DUALITY….I like that someone can take care of me.
YES I am a complex person. But I am glad it is all over. Im glad that I am without a relationship at this time. It gives me more time to work on myself. To become a better person and to make room for who ever is coming soon into my life.