DECISIONS

couple

 

The retrograde aspects that are happening at this time was something I basically did not see in fruition until a few days ago.  When it was first brought to my attention about the aspects until July 20, I kind of brushed it off to the side and believed…”Ok I know what it is. I recognize it.  I will just wait till it passes.”  One of the things about the current aspects, they’ve mentioned about relationships.  Perhaps are revisit of something that has not been resolved.  This one……is happening with me right now.

Even two weeks ago, I was thinking about a person that I still adore and care for from Italy.  Then later thought about another one that was taken to a far away place of seclusion.  We have not had contact for at least a year and a half.  This one actually resurfaced and looked for me.

At first it was exciting to hear the voice of a person I cared for again.  But I have noticed a difference.  It was no longer the same as it use to be.    In fact, I feel a feeling of not being able to fit into or appreciate the things that is important for him.  Vice versa, I felt that he never even took the time to uncover the things that hold dear to me at this time in my life RIGHT NOW.  I find myself hours and hours listening or with discussion about his interests and his desire.  I am left feeling as if I am really not here in this “friendship/relationship”.  I felt as if that I was there as a sounding board and not really a person to make an exchange of conversation about life, about my interests and all the things that I feel proud to share with someone.

It actually hurts to see how much we both have changed.  Don’t get me wrong.  He is still someone I still adore and find precious, but I wonder if I fit into his life.  I guess I cannot find myself talking about his desires for hours and hours and feeling as if I am not really here.  There is no reciprocation at all.

When I do introduce something different to talk about, it is a chance he will engage to talk about it……….or he will continue to talk about his desires.   If I have to think about this deeper about my role in this “friendship/relationship”….I feel more like a therapist or one of those people who are suppose to be a psychologist/psychiatrist.    I also know that because of his seclusion, he is seeking healing…even though it is just talking it all out and expressing himself.

So I participate to listen and discuss whatever he wants to talk about.  But in five hours later, I find that I am still talking about the same exact thing.

He is a precious one.  I dont know what will happen.  I have mix emotions of being terrified, sadness, unhappiness and also confused.

Before he came along recently….life was just simple and harmonious.  Peaceful as I enjoy it to be.  Now I am being introduced these new emotions which I find unsettling and also not in my character anymore.  I have been always looking forward to being positive every single day.  NOW A BIG CHANGE WITHIN ME HAS HAPPENED>

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