It’s not that I have forgotten photography. I didn’t really. I’ve learned a lot from M and from others. But the person who really inspired me was M.
I learned photography because the man I love had a career in it. His enthusiasm for it made me curious about it. I wanted to understand it and I also naturally love anything creative. I already knew perspective and composition when I use to design web sites for fun. I just needed formal training. I even went to photography school and got an education from the XXXXX in Sacramento and San Francsico. Unfortunately that love story was put on hold. M was my teacher. At least to me he was. I looked up to him.
I ended up doing photography on my own. I had developed a thing where I wanted to learn as much as I can. I learned photography because it was fun. I also loved it when he enjoyed seeing my photographs. It was always a challenge for me to see if I can do it. So I took more classes. Then later I was told to make some money. So I opened a studio. I did a few commercial contracts and a few others more. I even started a fashion show production company. Why? Because it was related to what I was doing.
Eventually it was no longer fun to do anymore. There were people who betrayed me in this business and also the people who were in this business were also messing with my head. In this industry, I had to be “MEAN”. That’s right. I had to have a thick skin and also be strong as well. Unfortunately….I just couldnt behave that way any longer. What was it? YES A BITCH!
I just couldnt be a bitch anymore. Why? Holding in those feelings and getting upset. Showing people that I was mean and that I couldnt be challenged was really UNHEALTHY for me. I had my period/menstruation for 3 to 4 months straight. I almost started to feel nauseated because I was losing so much blood and almost was considered anemic.
I had spent many ways trying to find alternatives to heal myself and I think I have come a long way. The number one thing I first learned was to let things go. I just let everything drop. Because that job required me to be worried all the time and also being in control. I just dropped all about being in control. Next I started eating healthy and took enzyme supplements. Then later I learned how to meditate to slow down my heart rate so I can relax and focus.
Then I had to make a plan about making a life change. I certainly cannot continue with that job.
So I went back to school. At first I started off finishing nursing prerequisites. Then I finally submitted my application into the nursing schools in the area. There were just too many applicants. You were also not chosen by merit. Just because you had straight As, they didnt choose you for that. They choose you by lottery. Can you imagine trying to get into nursing school and compete with 1000 applicants by lottery for 30 spots? They would need to fill 30 seats out of 1000+ applicants. I was rejected four times. It was just not fair to me. So I decided to check out other alternatives. I went to Occupational Therapy meetings and Physical Therapy meetings. I applied to both of those too. I said that whoever takes me in first, I will do it. All I wanted was to help people. Helping people is a rewarding feeling at the end of the day. To have given all my time to help others and be still energized when I am going home. That was what I wanted.
The funny thing is that a VEDIC ASTROLOGER took a look at my chart when I was beginning to take on a lot of photography assignments. He laughed at me and said, “Photographer? That’s not your job.” I was a bit offended and I told him, “How can you say that? As you can see, I am literally working this way.” He said, “You are better off helping people like at a hospital or social service.” I just laughed it off and said to myself that he was fun to talk to. It was just for fun. NOW HERE I AM……..almost graduating as an Occupational Therapy Assistant. When things go well, I will attempt to get the Masters in OT. We will see. If not Masters in Education. Who knows…maybe teach OTAs? Thats a long term goal. Short term goal right now? Its to complete and graduate this December 2014. Next become a Travel COTA. Then later move to the other side of the United States. Then meet my Most Compatible Life Soul Mate. Get Married. Work for a couple of years then retire. Live my life growing old with the man I love. These are my goals for now.
I am now giving an update. I finally graduated and now taking my license exam. I have to say that everything I wrote above is now completely different to how I use to perceive the world around me. I was broken, but one cannot continue to drag themselves across the floor just because the world has defeated you. I just took it as a blessing.
It’s a blessing because you now have your rose colored glasses taken away. Your outlook on life is clearer. The people you once thought loved you are now people that are not deserving of your child like outlook on them. Was it their fault? No it wasnt their fault at all. I created them. I created all the wonderful things that I thought were beautiful within them.
You wake up and realize……….it is time to let them be who the cold dark world perceives them to be. You must see it with your own eyes but without the blinders.